Tobackoff #6 : Anniversary

Hello ! Just a brief note to say that today is the second anniversary of the day I quit smoking. 

Unlike year 1, I had a great deal of exposure in year 2 to sidestream smoke - at pubs, offices and reunions with smoker friends. Nary a sign of temptation, so here's hoping the effects have permanently worn off.

That was the good news. The bad news is that I have about 12 kgs to lose, and I need to get back into  a cupboard full of clothes that has been stashed away for the time being. The other bad news is that the medication-based pulmonary cleaning process looks like taking many more months !

It's a good idea not to smoke. Really. 

And if you do, it's a good idea to stop. Really. The discomfort may be intense, but it's very brief. And the aftertaste is incredible. Try it.

Dressing - Prelude

I'm sorry I've been out of circulation for a while. It's also because I've been out of sorts.

Seriously, have you read about this male menopause thing ? I have no idea whether or not the term is a work of fiction : but i can tell you that the manifestation is all too real ! Like an approaching hurricane , the symptoms and the reporting come in much earlier.

But I digress, my apologies. I start a new series this month. I needed to call it " Dressing " because it is above, over and beyond " Salad " - I mean, what else could I call it ?

And what is it going to be about ? A series of biographical cameos. Perhaps mine, perhaps someone else's. Written in the first person, and very singular.......

I'm not sure whether you'll like it; but I can assure you it will be something very different.

Wait for it !!

Salad # 10 : Condescension

Yes, I decided to call it "Salad" instead....."From My Salad Days" i way, way too long. I'll probably update all the pages, too.

Here, then, is another one of those outbursts against a certain category of people whom I seemed to find almost everywhere.


Condescension (1985)

Know this: that there are those in this world who would make you feel as though they are conferring a sultanate upon you, every time they speak;

Know this: that they are frauds, and that their supercilious attitude is but a moth-eaten pathetic cloak for their own abject insecurity;

Know this: that they live within the confines of a nebulous nimbus that is exclusively their own, and know nought of the world below;

Know this: that they mean to demean you; and that they will succeed, if you are not forearmed.

Con-descension.

He who does not scorn to descend, will invariably descend to con.

Salad # 9 : Love Song to a Stranger

I'm still looking for someone to put music to these words :-)

Whispers in the Wind / Love Song to a Stranger (1986)

Call, so that I may steal your voice
Write, so that I may feel it
Call, so that I may reveal my love
Write, so that I may conceal it

Come, so that I may hear my heart
Go, so that I may fear it
Come, so that I may revere the pain
Go, so that I may clear it

Awake, so that I may sight your wrong,
Sleep, so that I may right it
Awake, so that I may highlight my weakness
Sleep, so that I may fight it.

Salad # 8 : Another Medley

Quite apart from the fact that I've always wanted to showcase my older writings, I find it's actually fun to let 'em loose on an unsuspecting readership which comprises people in their teens and twenties who have been brought up on a diet which was largely bereft of introspective reading material. The thing, you see, is that a great deal of technological advancement may have happened in the past thirty years - but the vagaries and the machinations of the human mind, and the unpredictability of the human thought process has, in the main, remained the same. So I would like to think that what I wrote in the 80's can still be considered relevant. There's time and room enough for the 21st-century writings to come in......

Here, then, are three strands of thought from an 80's collection called "The Metaphysics of Behaviour" -

Treadmill (1985)

Letting yourself be taken for granted is like volunteering to become the soles of someone’s favourite shoes – you’re constantly stepped on until you get worn out.

 

Metamorphosis (1986)

“Oh, you’ve changed !” he said to me, on our meeting after two years. I didn’t think I had, which set me thinking: what is this thing called change ? What does it do ?

Change is dynamic.
Change is absolute, not relative – it never pauses long enough to permit comparisons.
Change is continuous – at any point of time, it is more accurate to say “You are changing”, rather than to say “You have changed”.
Change is undetectable as it happens.
Change is gradual: a whitewashed wall growing yellow as you continue to gaze upon it.
Change is as spontaneous as it is involuntary; as involuntary as it is inexorable.

Change, in fact, is stranger than fiction.

The Other Cheek (1986)

One of the major indices that determines the depth and quality of a friendship is not, as is popularly believed, what one gives, and is given; it is what one forgives - and for what one is forgiven.

Salad # 7 : Autopsy

I wrote this in 1984 shortly after witnessing an accident in Kolkata, in which a dog was run over and killed by a speeding truck, competing with another for road space.

Autopsy (1984)

Two trucks rumble
down a city street
pockmarked
with scars of the past.
Two trucks
and hardly enough space
between them
to slide in a
banana.
The bitch, in repose
some distance off
gets unsteadily to
her feet, her middle
heavy with the weight
of her litter.
She makes for the sidewalk….
what sidewalk ? This is Calcutta.
The trucks
pick up speed, each trying
to overtake the other
oblivious
to any other presence
before them.
A blare of horns
A screech of brakes
A minced oath
A muffled yelp
One trucker forges ahead
the other curses and resumes
pursuit.
The bitch lies a long time
mangled, like
wrung-out laundry.
Still, dead mother.
Still-born puppies.
It is evening; the carcass
has since been thrown into
an open drain
for carrion
to preside over it.
The Municipality, you see
is on strike today.
Soon, there is nothing left:a few bones maybe, as after
a chicken dinner.
What did you expect :
A procession ?
A burial ?
A period of mourning ?
There is no place here
for dogs
there are far too many already
most of them
on two legs.

Salad # 6 : Imagery

I was lucky with my English teachers.......they hammered home the point that the language was infinite in its variety, and that it was important, when describing something, to make the subject come to life through the use of appropriate and evocative words. I tried to do this all the time, and the results were sometimes offbeat.

Imagery (1985)

The growth of a tendril
towards a source of light;
that is the meaning of existence

A thread of cotton
on a sea of quicksand;
that is the power of flattery

The action of a flame

on a candlestick;

that is the price of degenerationa

The purposeful crawl of a black widow spider

across its web;

that is the folly of love

The frenzied flapping of a flamingo

adrift in a slick of oil;

that is the futility of hope

Salad # 5 : Hurt

HURT (1985)

I've never been able to draw, but that never stopped me from trying ! Take this representation, for instance. I called it "hurt", and couldn't write about it without drawing it first. The result was very basic, almost childish - but I found it minimalist, and I liked it; which is why it appears on this page today !

The wall. It's YOU. It's the foundation of your existence, and stands for everything you hold true. It is, in fact, everything you stand for.

The tomahawk. A verbal or behavioural wound that some callous soul inflicts upon you. Your hurt gushes free, deep and red.

The legs. Has the rest of you slipped behind the wall ? Not likely - the wall IS you, and you can't slip behind yourself. Or can you ?

You are disembodied. Disoriented. The pain is too much to bear.

The camera. Your audience. There is always a person - sometimes more than one - to watch you at your nadir, to see you sinking into yourself.

There is always a person to laugh.



Salad # 4 : A Man & A Woman

A Man and a Woman (1986)

This is something I penned in 1986, a reflection on the complexity of  the man-woman relationships I had witnessed, been told about or personally experienced.....

The moth and the naked light
The river and the land
The firefly and the moonless night
The seashell and the sand

The stubble and the razor blade
The tempest and the skiff
Bright sunlight and adjacent shade
The climber and the cliff

The artist and the drawing board
The foetus and the womb
The tuna and the fishing rod
The mummy and the tomb

 

The puncture and the tyre
The water and the fire
The leaflet and the dew
Your reflection and you

The indifferent, the rejected
The untouched, the dejected
The sharpened, the blunted
The hunter, the hunted

They’re all hurting
They’re all flirting

Book Post # 3

Here we are again, then - five more books from my collection, reviewed briefly for you.

11.  Sad Wind from the Sea by Jack Higgins

With Jack Higgins'  fan following firmly established, his publishers have decided to dig into his archives and fish out all the manuscripts earlier published under his other pseudonyms, Harry Patterson and James Graham. And so it is with this book - we are informed that this was actually the first Jack Higgins novel. Readable enough, but it lacks the style and depth of storytelling that characterised later books. It’s not difficult to work out why Higgins wrote under so many different names.

12.  Absolute Power by David Baldacci

After reading thousands of fiction novels over a 30-year period, it was refreshing to find, after a very long time, an author whose style is so racy that his books are quite impossible to put down. I did 1100 pages (two novels) in less than a week, and I'm looking for more. Definitely recommended as a stressbuster - whether on flights, late at night, waiting for interviews :-), or in the car on the way to work

13.  I, Lucifer by Peter O’Donnell

Peter O'Donnell can be alarmingly addictive. A writer with an uncommonly slick turn of phrase, a perpetually present sense of wry humour, a great storyteller and resoundingly original......you don't get villains like these in any action novel, nor do you get such detailed research in what appears to be an ordinary set of action stories woven around one character. I know a surprisingly large number of people who are Modesty Blaise fans and quite proud to admit it. That perhaps explains why Crossword  Bookstore has put on sale a retrospective, the entire set of novels, which has made these books available on Indian shelves after a very long time.

You can say it's not your type of read - but you won't say you dislike it. Guaranteed

14.  How to be a Brit by George Mikes

No, it’s not pronounced like "bikes" – this author is Hungarian, so you need to say "Mikesh".

"How to be an alien" is George Mikes' definitive work, and this one isn't all that far behind. I read this 10 years before I actually went to England; read it twice while I was there; and I've just finished reading it once again, chortling every few pages. Whether or not you’ve met and interacted  with a Brit, this is a hilarious read

15.  Trojan Odyssey by Clive Cussler

With Cussler, you get two for the price of one, with each book - a great deal of maritime history and oceanographic lore, along with a cracking good story. This one is not among his best, but is still a good read. I'm actually just finished reading it for the fourth time, over an 8-year period.

Salad # 3 : One-Liners

1984, 1985 and 1986 were prolific years. The reason wasn't hard to find - I'd just moved to Kolkata after 5 years on the trot in Mumbai, and was in the throes of a major culture shock. Here's another sample of the kind of stuff I turned out:

Mirror, mirror
An ego is to a man what a compact is to a woman

Altar egoThe normal male will occasional speak of his “flings”; but somewhere in a closet in a shrouded corner of his memory, you will find a skeleton: that is the story of his “flungs”

Turning pointYou know you’re at the crossroads of life when you try to cross a person on the sidewalk -  and he zigs when you zag

Self-pityHave you ever heard the night laughing at you ?

Apologies to LongfellowLives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives so base
And, departing, leave behind us
Egg all over someone’s face

Salad # 2 : Converbs

Converbs (1986)

• Beauty is grin deep
• Look before you weep
• Beneath the rose lies the scorn
• All that glitters, embitters
• A rolling stone gathers no boss
• An ounce of prevention is cheaper
• Mendacity is the brother of deception
• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bordello
• A thing of beauty is a ploy forever
• If at first you don't succeed - cry, cry again
• Money is the shoot of all evil
• Speech is silver; silence, impossible
• One swallow doesn't make a dinner
• Time lies
• The female of the species is headier than the male
• He who laughs last, is laughed at by the rest
• Better to have loved and lot than never to have lost at all
• Hitch your wagon to a star - you'll be taken for a ride

Salad # 1 : Medley

Here are some random thoughts set down in a sheaf of writings in 1984-85.

Message in a Bottle

Have you ever thought of a wine shop as an anthology, where each bottle is a poem ?



Candid Camera
To those who ask me whether I write poetry, I always say yes.
And then the next question is generally about whether I do free verse or blank verse.
A combination, I say: and they look confused. I wonder why !
I call it "frank" verse.
Isn't poetry - at least, these days - mostly about the truth ?
Isn't it invariably about the way the poet sees the truth ?


Subsoil
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
It will happen someday to the best of us
Is this why some people shake with mirth
As they trample their contemporaries into the earth ?


Plastic Surgery
You can smell contempt
It seeps out through one's pores and spreads
A steaming film that covers the veneer
Like mascara, it is black
Like lager, it is cold
Like granite, it is hard
And it doesn't come off


The Primeval
In every woman, there's a little bit of man;
In every man, there's a little bit of wolf;
In every wolf, there's a little bit of hate.

Book Post # 2

I thought I would mention a few more books, some of them curiously different. I will add more soon, since I'm on a re-reading spree (much more fun than a reading spree, I assure you) these days.

6. Godel, Escher and Bach : An Eternal Golden Braid  by Douglas R Hofstadter
This is one of those books which you would normally overlook on a bookshelf -not least because it is heavier, thicker and larger than the average dictionary; and in the process, you would miss an astonishing experience. Rarely have the principles of Zen Buddhism been explained through a series of conversations between Achilles (he of the heel) and the Turtle (he of the hare); and rarely has any treatise on philosophy invoked a musician, a mathematician and a three-dimensional artist in a single book. Absorbing reading. If you pride yourself on being a different kind of thinker, I would recommend you peep into this book: peep may well lead to keep.

7. Two States :The Story of My Marriage  by Chetan Bhagat
A remarkable fellow, Chetan. His most hyped book was easily his worst - "Five Point Someone" definitely lacked a something illa illa something. On the other hand, Two States, probably his least publicised book (at least, before someone in Bollywood decided to make a movie out of it), is the one to recommend to readers who want to know what his writing is all about. You don't have to be IITian or an IIMite to appreciate it, but you do need to be Indian. This is a love story about a male and what used to be referred to at the IIMs as a "non-male", though that description clearly doesn't apply to the female lead in this book. There's something in this tale for everyone, I'm sure that even my grandmother would have seen the funny side, had she been alive today.

8. The Golden Rendezvous  by Alistair Maclean

When I was just 13, I met an Admiral's daughter who said to me, "You haven't really read anything until you've read Alistair Maclean". I lost track of her some 30 years ago, so I've never had the chance to thank her for a sublime understatement. Alistair Maclean, a Glaswegian professor who copyrighted many of his books under the name of A.G.Gilach, was an exceptionally gifted writer who could make metaphors do a breakdance. You may or may not like his plots or his characters, but you will have no choice but to agree that few people can do what he does with the English Language. This book, if you will pardon the deplorable wordplay, is a golden example. READ !

9. Notes to Myself : My Struggle to Become a Person by Hugh Prather
I was gifted this book in 1983 by one of the most remarkable people I have ever met.....which is perhaps appropriate, because this is easily one of the most remarkable books that I have read. The illustrations are an inspiration, a single dark leaf and a light leaf on each page, curved at just the right angle to suit the mood of the text. This is one of those books that you read and mutter to yourself, every hundred lines or so - "Good Lord ! My sentiments exactly ! Why didn't I write this book ?"

Tell you what: walk into any bookstore; pick up this book; open it at any page, and read what's on the page; do this for another two pages; and if, after that, you don't buy the book, do let me know !

10. The Other Side of Me by Sidney Sheldon

Most readers of fast fiction have been Sidney Sheldon fans at some point of time or the other; those who weren't, may have seen one or the other of his movies. This book, written like a novel but conceptualised like an autobiography, reveals, to our surprise and delight, that Sheldon was so much more than just a fiction writer - he even won an Oscar ! Worth reading for the detailed insights into the man and his life.

I think 5 books at a time works well ! More in the next, then......

Book Post # 1

LinkedIn, a professional networking site where I spend some of my spare time, has an interesting option called "Reading List", which allows you to  select a book and post a comment on it. I found that a great new way to suggest books to people, so I thought I would transfer some of those "teaser" reviews to this blog. A word of warning, though - I have very different tastes, so I pick all sorts of books......read on !

1. Beyond Desire by Pierre La Mure
Perhaps the saddest part about the writings of this brilliant biographer-novelist is that you can't find his books anywhere: they're either out of print, or they're not in stock - which is a tragedy indeed, because few narrators have managed to bring the past of great people to life the way he has. This novel is about Felix Mendelssohn's relentless search for that definitive Bach composition, the Passion of Our Lord According to Saint Mathew, and his efforts to make it available to the world. A gripping narrative, told with infinite skill, that will make you yearn to read it again, just after you've turned the last page.

2. The Chosen One by Sam Bourne

Gone are the days when the President of the United States was a hallowed figure, making a guest apppearance at the tail end of the book - these days, he has been brought down to the level of a mere mortal, and occupies a large chunk of the book. In this taut thriller, Sam Bourne, a gifted writer who is just about four books old, takes us through the innards of the Presidency and its frailness. A compelling read.

3. Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton

The world waited a long time to get another Jules Verne, and couldn't cope with the one that arrived. Had it not been for Steven Spielberg, Michael Crichton might have sunk without a trace - which would have been a tragedy of enormous proportions......concepts such as those described in "The Andromeda Strain", "Westworld", "Sphere", "The Terminal Man" and, of course, "Jurassic Park" will not be seen again as the output of a single mind. The films, although brilliantly made (some of them directed by Crichton himself), capture only a small part of the complexity of the original. Read this book first, but if you don't like dinosaurs, choose from the array of subjects available from Crichton's collection.

4. Twisted Tales from Shakespeare by Richard Willard Armour

Richard Armour takes humour to a new level altogether - and for those who have read Shakespeare (even if it is only for the school final exam), this is a classic revisitation of his plays. The style is very different - each play is summarised in a few pages, with piquant illustrations; and the summary ends with a series of rhetorical questions that are more hilarious than the summary itself. Richard Armour has written a slew of such books - other memorable ones include "It All Started with Eve", "It All Started with Columbus" and "The Classics Reclassified". Long out of print, these books are almost impossible to find at a retail outlet - I had to get them in the second-hand mail-order market in the US. Richard Armour is a must-read for all those who thought that P.G. Wodehouse was the last word in humour and sarcastic takes.

5. Shout at the Devil by Wilbur Smith

You haven't really understood what the word "elemental" means until you've read Wilbur Smith - he makes the earth, the sea, the sky, the wind rear up and slap you so hard in the face that you're still recovering from the shock, years later. A compelling storyteller who builds an epic in 500 pages, combining the complexity of human depravity, the starkness of an Africa squeezed bloodless by war, and the intricate web of human interrelationships, in a collection of words that leaves you breathless with wonder, pain and longing. This is one of his better books - other masterpieces are "Hungry as the Sea", "Eagle in the Sky", "Gold Mine", and "The Diamond Hunters". But to experience the definitive Wilbur Smith, read his Sean Courtney Trilogy - "When the Lion Feeds" / "The Sound of Thunder" / "A Sparrow Falls"

Do I hear agentle snore or two ? Right, then - I'll leave the other reviews for later !

Tobackoff! #5 : Dissuasion

THIS ISN'T A CRUSADE !
For the brief period of time that "Tobackoff!" was a page on Facebook, I got a lot of flak for the putative "crusade" that I was conducting. I was genuinely amused. I understand why some people feel this way - but I need to correct the impression, it's important.

If you smoke, it will eventually kill you: believe that. The only way in which it can NOT kill you, is if something else (or someONE else ...:-p) kills you first.

So if you're going to do something deliberately in spite of knowing that it is likely to cut your life short, the least I can do for you is to inundate you with reminiscences so that you can take an informed decision. And I'm not playing sides, either: if you want to quit, there's stuff here telling you about what it's like; if you want to smoke, there's stuff here telling you about what THAT is like, too.

Choice is a wonderful thing - and choice is what you have a right to exercise, every day of your life. My objective is simply to point that out to you.

IS AUSTRALIA GOING TO BE THE WORLD'S FIRST SMOKE-FREE COUNTRY ?

Oh, it just might happen. Australia has already enacted legislations to ban smoking to the point of practically outlawing it. The government runs a quit-smoking website and a slew of helplines and rehab centres.

And as if that's not enough, here's what is going to happen in just a couple of months:

1. Smoking ANYwhere in public wil...l be completely banned - you can't even smoke on the road. If you want to light up, you'll need to do it in your own back yard - if, that is, your neighbour allows you to.

2. Cigarettes will no longer be packaged according to the specs of the manufacturer: all smokes will be sold in a dirty green pack, with the name of the brand / manufacturer written in one corner, almost the way you address an envelope.

Australia, long viewed by the Third World as a land of plenty, has clearly decided to permanently remove tobacco from its plenitude !

What do you think - will any other country go as close ?

CIRCLE OF NICOTINE

Much more than the stained teeth, the morning cough, the yellow fingers or the loss of stamina, I think what first got me thinking about quitting smoking was a very simple demo that a fellow smoker gave me. You can try it yourself, it’s simple but very effective:

1. Have a clean white handkerchief at hand

2. Light up a cigarette

3. Take a drag – do NOT inhale, keep the smoke in your mouth

4. Hold the handkerchief to your mouth, open and expel the smoke through the kerchief

5. Take a look at what is left on the kerchief – a muddy-coloured circle of nicotine

6. Now repeat the process in other clean areas of the kerchief

7. Try rinsing the kerchief under running water…….the stains won’t come off

8. Give a thought to the effect of doing this ten times a day, every day, with the same kerchief

Remember, that’s just ONE cigarette. And that’s just a FEW drags. Through a FILTERED cigarette.

And the stuff doesn’t come off the lungs that easily, people. Have you tried to take the oil off the exhaust fan in your kitchen ? The problem is very similar.

It’s just not worth it.

Tobackoff! 2A : Handling Withdrawal

One possible solution : pre-empt it !

Except for a brief period of two months in 2002 (which wouldn't even pass as a dress rehearsal), the truth is that I never really made a serious attempt to quit smoking. And the reason was simply this - that the putative withdrawal symptoms were so intimidating that I didn't think I'd be able to do it. So, when I finally decided that I WAS going to quit, no matter what, it was clear that I had to find a way around the problem.

A few weeks ago, I hinted at the solution, I'm not sure how many of you caught on to that ? Smoking was so difficult to shed because it was so comprehensively associative. So the ticket was to cut out all the associations. In other words, I decided that I needed to introduce the withdrawal symptoms BEFORE I actually gave up smoking !

After looking inwards for a couple of weeks, I developed a pain in the neck, and the following touchpoints :

Part 1 : The Classic Morning Cigarette (aka - Boss, if I don't do this, I Can't GO !)

Part 2 : The Social Cigarette (aka - Hey chief, join me for a smoke ?)

Part 3 : The Liquid Diet Cigarette, "puff when you quaff" (aka - I smoke only when I drink; but have I mentioned that I drink ALL the Time ?)

Part 4. : The Neuro Cigarette (aka - dude, I'm stressed, I NEED this !)

Part 5. : The Hot Beverage Cigi (aka - I don't know why, but a Cigarette tastes so much better with tea and coffee !

Over three months, I simply laid siege to all of the above. Made like there was no association. Refused to light up DURING, kept myself going with the knowledge that I could light up AFTER. And so I endured a week of constipation; several weeks when my rum n coke tasted like mud; left my tea and coffee half-finished; attacked my fingernails instead of my Classic Milds when I got stressed; and got ridiculed when I refused to join my friends.

But it was well worth it. It worked. You see, I had been through it all before - so when I actually stopped smoking, all the usual symptoms were already old hat. It really was as easy as that !

I'd be lying if I were to say that I felt nothing. My hands felt empty all the time, so I got myself a jar of Pond's cold cream and kept massaging 'em - I was the slipperiest-fingered guy on the planet in those days !!! I got mild headaches, nothing debilitating, just a general feeling of dullness - so I listened to music, trawled the Net, did stuff that didn't need concentration - I let my pleasure centres take over and tell my brain when all systems were go. I even pretended that the inhalers my doctor prescribed were my daily fixes of nicotine ! No smoker ever took a drag with th kind of pleasure that I inhaled from the business end of my Zerostat VT Spacer !

But as I said: it worked. So that made it all worthwhile. It also proved that all you need is determination - "willpower" is a word that has been given way too much importance in connection with this habit.

If you want to do it, you can. And you can believe me,because you know I've been there.

Tobackoff ! # 0 : One Bad Habit

HOW DID I START ?

Irrelevant,right ? I thought so, too. But it was pointed out to me by smokers, ex-smokers and parents of smokers that the reasons are important. Because, you see, it isn't always the result of peer pressure.

Take my case. I was an anti-smoker - a pretty rabid one, too - and that was a tough act to maintain, considering that both my folks were smokers for a while ! Graduated from Mumbai (purportedly a den of iniquity) after living in a hostel through my three years of college. Landed in Cal in the summer of '84, still a non-smoker, largely a non-drinker.

Got largely undone by the miasma of Bong parochialism that was all around me. I was lambasted for not knowing Bengali, for solving cryptic crosswords, for reading Hugh Prather. Also for walking my dog in shorts (me, not the dog !). And then I joined the hail-fellow-well-met firm of Lovelock & Lewes to do my articleship, and was sent to ITC to do their audit.

Three months and ninety complimentary packets of "made for each other" Wills Filter Kings later, I suddenly thought that it might be an idea to act as my father's "food"-taster,as it was.

So I smoked the ninety-first packet. It was Rebel Without A Cause, all over again. Coughed, hacked and cried my way through ten sticks of tobacco, telling myself that, when in Turkey, you prolly need to do like the turkeys do !!

Except that. I'd grown up on a diet of Oscar Wilde. And the man had mantras. The relevant one here was "nothing succeeds like excess".

I took less than six months for me to scale up to 60 sticks a day. Thanks to ITC, it didn't cost me anything. But I paid the price in terms of Pulmonary EMIs, over the next quarter of a century.

Tobackoff! #4 : The Aftermath

ONE YEAR ON

I celebrated my first no-smoking anniversay on November 26, 2011. Quite spectacularly, as it happens - a ceremonial destruction of the 13 cigarettes I had left the day I quit smoking - 13 cigarettes which I carried about with me for a year, to remind myself that a relapse was just an arm's length away.

Once that was done and dusted, I carefully put away the cigarette case that had been my faithful companion through thick and thin, for three long smoky years, and took stock.

This is what I found:

The Downside

1.       For the first time since 1992, my trousers didn’t fit. I was in denial about this for a while, but I finally got myself some new clothes .

2.       The bottom half of my tie doesn’t fall straight down any more, it rests gently against the swell of a large pot belly.

3.       My silhouette has changed from that of a matchstick to that of a large bowling pin in a children’s bowling alley.

4.       I still huff and puff, but the reasons are a combination of ill-treated lungs and excess weight, rather than merely the former

The Upside

1.       I don’t let loose blood-curdling, deathly hollow coughs any more

2.       I can laugh without fear of paroxysms…..in fact, I need to get a new laugh, the old one was customised to pamper my throat !

3.       My teeth don’t feel as though they’re coated with Scotch Guard !

4.       Fingers used to be yellow, they're not jaundiced any more !

5.       Skin looks clearer, though that’s probably just an optical illusion

6.       Shirt pocket bottoms are no longer lined with tobacco flakes

Tobackoff! #3 : The Fallout

THE BUTT-KICKER’S HANDBOOK

1.       Just before you decide to quit smoking, go get a Lung Function Test (PFT) done. You’ll need to do PFT’s every 3 months thereafter; and the dramatic improvement in the readings is just about the only thing that will ensure that you never touch the sticks again !

2.       From the time you quit, your lung degeneration rate will slow down to the same level as a non-smoker’s. Amazing, huh ? But that’s not enough: you have to do what’s known as Pulmonary Rehabilitation (PRH) – which means a long repair job. I’ll write about this separately, it can fill up a booklet all by itself.

3.       Quitting smoking is only the first of a long series of disciplinary measures you’ll have to initiate to make sure you revert (as close as possible) to the non-toxic being you used to be. After a while, you’ll realize that quitting smoking was actually the easy part – everything else is a whole lot tougher !

4.       For a while, you won’t know what to do with your hands. Find your own solution, but avoid replacement therapy like the plague ! It’s easy to pick up an amber glass instead of a white stick; easier, even, to pick up a convenient item of junk food. Strictly a no-no. You’ll be replacing one addiction with another, and the fallout won’t be nice – after all, if you smoke, you die faster, but you might still look good in your last hours J; but if you booze excessively or engorge on junk food, you’ll look like crap for years before your body finally gives up !

5.       Visit the dentist. You can finally remove stuff that won’t come back any more – all those nicotine deposits; if you want to add to the feel-good factor, talk to your dentist about stain removal. You deserve it – after all, your lips are never going to return to their original colour; your smoking fingers are still going to be piebald-yellow when compared with the other hand; so you might as well fix what you can !

6.       Put all your ashtrays in a showcase. Once in a while, look at them the way you would eye a dinosaur exhibit at the Natural History Museum.

7.       While at an airport, visit the smoking room – you’ll be gratified by how disgusted you are.

8.       Don’t kill yourself trying to avoid smokers or smoke-filled areas: the more you are reminded of how you used to be, the more your resolve will harden. Don’t forget that smoking is a chronic relapsing habit……like Mark Twain said, “It’s easy to quit smoking, I’ve done it scores of times !”

GET A LIFE !

You know you’re an ex-smoker when they start talking to you about lifestyle changes. Good Lord. Believe me, quitting smoking was REALLY the easy part.

There’s a horrible laundry list, customised to the individual. Just so that you get a flavour of what’s in store for you, here’s mine !!    :

1.       You need to walk. Every day. Try 10 steps on day one, work yourself up to 2 kilometres by day 15. It’s not difficult.

2.       Tea and coffee at work ? Cut out the sugar, laddie !

3.       Halve the quantity of food you eat. Hmmm. OK, halve it again !

4.       Breakfast is compulsory. You skip it, you’re dead.

5.       Sleep whenever you like. Just make sure you ate at least two hours ago.

6.       Extra sex does NOT assist weight loss.

7.       Do you think you can NOT drink ? I mean, like, other than water ? And no, Diet Coke will not work.

8.       Keep yourself clean-shaven, so that you can whittle down your moonface to a mitochondrion

9.       Blubber is sexy ONLY on whales.

10.   Here’s a serving spoon.  No matter what’s for breakfast, lunch or dinner, you’re allowed to populate the surface area of this spoon just ONCE, as deep as you like.

Hare-brained, you think ? Believe me, it works ! GO TRY IT !!

Tobackoff! #2 : The Process

WHY SHOULD YOU STOP ?

While I was waiting to see my chest physician, there was another patient waiting along with me, a lady who looked to be in her late 30’s, and was obviously very fit – so fit that I found myself wondering what she was there for ! My doctor later told me that she was a very heavy smoker, whose tests always came up with good results; so, she invariably came up with the question, “Why should I quit, Doc ? It’s clearly not harming me !”

Similar sentiments have been expressed by equally fit and very sensible people whom I have known. I once had a boss who had enviable control on the starts and stops – so he would go for days without a cigarette, or would smoke a whole pack in a day if the mood called for it. Naturally, he felt he wasn’t addicted, and he was right.

You do know, don’t you, that when you’re driving, the speed doesn’t significantly matter when it comes to an accident ? If it’s not your lucky day, you can get just as dead at 40 kmph, as you can at 100. Smoking’s a bit like that……the frequency and the number are just contributory factors – every bit of carcinogen each cigarette drops into your respiratory tract, simply clings on for dear life until it has enough brothers around to make up a party.

If you’re smoking, you should stop. Not because of sidestream smoke, global warming, the rest of the world and all that bunk – but because you owe it to yourself to give your body a chance to die of natural causes. And in the process, you set a great example.

WHAT IS THE WAY FORWARD  ? 

Hey ! This may sound silly…..but it’s a fact that, once the decision’s made, the hard part is over ! You see, most smokers don’t quit because they don’t WANT to quit.  So it’s more a case of WON’Tpower rather than WILLpower.

But once you’ve decided that “I don’t need this s**t”, you’ll be amazed at how easy it is, people.

I had always realized that the difficulty of quitting smoking lay primarily in the fact that it was ASSOCIATIVE.

Yes, smoking associates with almost everything you do. Your early morning wake-up high. The additional sugar in your tea. Your morning dump. Your strong reaction to the excesses of  Sonia Gandhi / Sarah Palin / Che Guevara’s ghost. Your boss. The hot bod in the next cubicle who ignores your pheromonal signals. The celebratory drinks you have with ex-colleagues at the neighbourhood pub. Your Happy Hour favourite restaurant waiter. Your spouse’s “Not tonight, my dear, I have a headache” vibe…….and a whole host of other things.

So it’s actually childishly simple. Cut out the associations.

SHOULD THE TURKEY BE COLD ?Welcome to the debate !

It is one that smokers never tire of : The Great Theoretical Discussion – what’s the best way to quit smoking ? Over a 12-year period, I discovered that most arguments centre around these four permutations:

Cold Turkey – stop dead, just like that. No squawks allowed !

Hot Turkey: TRIAD (Tomorrow Really Is Another Day !) – keep deferring the next cigarette, until you actually stop.

Warm Turkey : TAS (The Accountants’ Solution) – the reducing balance method ! Smoke less today than you did yesterday. Revel  in the power of ONE ! So you smoke one less per diem, and work your way down to zero. Feels like forever !!

Lukewarm Turkey: (Aka Lucky Ali) – I smoke what I want, when I want, where I want ! Good grief, I smoke barely 2-3 a day ! Quitting is not a problem ! (*Snicker* you think ? why, then, are you always smoking ??)

I’ve been privy to all the discussions, ladies and gents.

And believe me, the turkey HAS to be cold !

The only way you can give up smoking is by coming to a dead halt. NOTHING else will work.

Tobackoff ! #1 : The Beginning

When I gave up smoking overnight after more than a quarter of a century of huffing and puffing (without blowing the house down), there was a howl of disbelief in the friends-and-family circles. Clearly, the story needed to be told, with all the trademark Guhan melodrama; and so it was that I created, first a group on Facebook, and later a page.....only to find that the maintenance was getting me down. That's when I thought of transferring it all into a blog.

                                                                          *    *    *

WHY DID I STOP ?

The seeds were sown - indeed, were germinated - in Switzerland in May 2010. A fabulous trip that was, the best  holiday I’ve ever had ! Interlaken,  Jungfrau, Montreux, Chillon,  Zurich, Geneva, Pilatus, Titlis…….a pack and a half of Classic Milds per location : puff, puff, puff, puff !

And then, towards the end of the trip, it happened.

There was this incredible waterfall inside a mountain, Trummelbach Falls……..reached by using every conceivable form of transport: a train to the nearest railhead; a bus to the mountain;  a large square elevator  that lumbered vertically up a very wet rock face for more than 500 metres; and finally, our own legs : a large, bluff male personification of Swiss tourism advised us to proceed with caution for “only 200 steps to the waterfall, ladies and gentlemen !”

Well, 200 steps ? A mere bagatelle, especially for a 45+ smoker past his prime. And so I cantered up the first 50……lumbered up the next 50…….gasped up the third 50……..and staggered blindly up the last 50 – to a late realisation that I might have made a very serious mistake.

An incredible waterfall it was, indeed, my friends: I could see it; I could hear it; I could practically feel it, because it was rushing down in this incredible iridescent roaring cascade, several hundred metres down the mountain into some esoteric underground river…….yes, it was surreal - but you see, I couldn’t enjoy it, because I was too busy feeling other things.

I was feeling a cold hard hand clamp itself around my chest; I was feeling a light, inexorable collar around my throat, making it difficult for me to breathe; I was seeing some fascinating coruscating lights in front of my eyes; I was feeling a warm rush of air in my brain; and, above all, I was feeling that I was dying.

Believe me – delusion or not, THAT is NOT a good feeling. And I realized (no significant brainwork there) that it was because of the 500,000 cigarettes I had put away over the last 25 years. And I said to myself – “Laddie, this isn’t exactly what we signed up for, was it ?”

At that moment, I decided that I was going to quit. I knew that it was probably impossible, but I was naïve: I believed everything I read, and some litterateur of a bygone era had written, and I had read, thus:

“The impossible just takes a little longer !”

The impossible actually took me six months. But that is another tale.

Salad # 0 : Futility

Cynicism set in early - very early indeed. Take, for instance, this bit of free verse I wrote in 1984, on relationships: appropriately enough, I named it "Futility":

The burnt child sits

once again by the fire.

He sees her smile.

His heart leaps, thudding painfully against
the bars of its calcium cage.
And then it happens
all over again.

Tentative advances.Wisps of banal

conversation. More smiles. Cunning
compliments. And then the foundation
is laid. It moves on.
Hours of endless squawking
on the telephone. A throbbing hand

grips the belaboured instrument pressed

to a tortured ear.
There is, after all, little
better to do.
Whispered bittersweet nothings. Sincerity
is clearly on holiday: the obvious
needs never to be stated
even though
it is pleasing to hear.
In time, physical
overtures. Diffident at first, then
assertive. Soon, demanding.
Weeks pass. Four figures
in a savings account dribble
away into nothingness
showing little in return.
Boredom
sets in. Only two chameleons
may entertain each other
indefinitely.
Attentions wander. Jealousy

is let in through

a side door. On its heels

runs a hairline fracture

that spreads

the way you see thin ice cracking.

The pain is to come

later. It was good

while it lasted. But for now

it is done.

And the child retreats to

lick its wounds

and await, like

the moth

the coming of another

flame.